Confessions of a Police Constable by Matt Delito

Author:Matt Delito [Matt Delito]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2013-03-22T04:00:00+00:00

Part 3: Behind bars

I looked over at Syd. He had just completed his very first arrest – a male shoplifter – and we were waiting outside the custody suite. It was time to introduce Syd the Special Constable to the dark art of presenting a prisoner to a custody sergeant.

‘You’re going to take the prisoner through to custody, and you’ll have to present him to the custody sergeant,’ I explained. ‘Then, you’ll have to give details of what you arrested him for, and the grounds for your arrest, along with answers to a load of other questions. You’ll know all the answers, but just take it easy. This custody skipper is a good guy and he’ll help you out.’

Syd shot me a quizzical look.

‘Some of them can be complete jerks, and try to catch you out,’ I said. ‘Quite unprofessional, if you ask me, but it’s their call, really; they’re the kings of the custody suites, and they have to be sure that only people who need to be detained are placed in the cells.’

‘All right,’ Syd said.

‘Fancy a cup of tea?’ I asked.

‘I could murder one,’ he said.

I flashed Syd a huge, mischievous grin, and saw a look of panic cross his face. Despite this being our first shift together, he could recognise my ‘I’m up to something’ look as well as anyone.

I left for the cafeteria and returned a couple of minutes later with two freshly brewed mugs of tea. He gratefully accepted one, but then, remembering my grin, asked if I wanted to swap cups with him.

‘What do you mean?’ I said, innocently.

‘Well, I know you’re up to something … and I don’t want to drink it if you’ve put something in my tea,’ he replied.

‘Hah, paranoid much?’ I asked, and handed over my cup of tea instead, watching him take a sip.

‘Of course, maybe I thought you’d demand to swap the mugs, and so I put something in my own mug instead,’ I said casually.

He looked at me, mouth half open, before staring at his tea.

‘I just want some sodding tea,’ he said, suddenly looking exhausted. ‘Seriously.’

I laughed.

‘Mate, don’t worry, both cups are exactly the same,’ I said. ‘Which really means that both are pretty disappointing, given that they came from the mess hall in a police station …’

He smiled, and gratefully tucked into his brew.

A good 20 minutes later, we heard a gruff voice from inside the custody suites. ‘Next!’

‘You’re up,’ I said to Syd.

He walked over to the caged van, and let DiCaprio out, leading him into the custody suites.

These suites can be pretty imposing places at the best of times. The custody sergeants sit on a small podium behind Plexiglas walls (people have a nasty habit of assaulting the custody skippers), with computers and banks of CCTV monitors that cover every corner of the room. When we walked in, Syd was met by a pretty harrowing sight indeed, and the real punchline to my little prank.

Syd was about to fall victim to one of the oldest traditions we have in the police force.

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